Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Diagnosis..not too good

Just came back from my therapist..I am really going back to my old ways. The ED is starting to take over again and she is worried. She wants me to keep a food journal for the next week, recording everything I am eating and at what time. I haven't done this since I was really sick :( She wants me to try to consume at least 1200 calories per day..no less. That's tough for me. How do you all get in your calories? I work 8 hour days, so does the bulk of the calories come in at dinner? I don't know. I'm still learning how to eat properly. I only have a 25 minute lunch, so I can't fit too much in there. Breakfast is usually really rushed, so usually just a green smoothie. In the past week, I have lost 9 pounds..in 1 week! this is not good! I'm also not sleeping too well.

Even today, I've only had a green smoothie and a Lara Bar so far. And it's 3:30! I just don't feel like eating, but I know I have to. Just a few weeks ago I was on a healthy eating regimen. Now...it's all gone :( It's like my brain is telling me not too eat. Ugh, so frustrating! I haven't told my parents, because I know they will make me move home pronto. I don't want to have to go to a recovery center again. It's just too much.

Sorry for the somber post...On the upside, I am going to a small get togetehr tonight at my friends, and that is kind of cheering me up. I will for sure update later this evening or tomorrow after work.


Thanks for listening :) xoxoxoxo

7 comments:

Devan Geselle. N said...

I am honestly on the same boat as you :(
I just dont feel hungry. but i know I should eat. I just dont want to. because my brain is telling me im not hungry!
I dont get it :(

Just dont let ed get the best of you.
You have your entire life ahead of you. stay focused on the postitive..

jibbalibba said...

i also have a busy day but to get my calories in a have a large breakfast (which is not going to work for you) but you can make your breakfast larger or denser simply by added a few scoops of hospital sustagen to your smoothie

please remember your health sound be your top priority so this is what you should be focusing on.

love, jess

themilkfreeway said...

Hey :) I think I replied on your blog once before - I'm 24 and in recovery from anorexia too. Honestly, the only way to get the calories in it to grit your teeth and do it, regardless of whether you feel hungry or not. When I was really sick and first decided to get better I was convinced that I would gain weight the second I added in 20 calories or something, but actually I went from about 400 a day to 2500 a day before I gained even a pound. Ridiculous, eh? It takes far, far more calories than you'd think to even maintain your weight. The same thing is true for most people with anorexia.
I know it seems impossible now but you can fit all those calories in (I still fit about double that in every day :P ) - you just have to eat to a schedule. You probably won't feel hungry at all for a while but that doesn't mean you don't need to eat, it's just a consequence of the eating disorder. I know it's hard and scary <3 and if there's anything I can do you are welcome to email me at katie_cullinane@hotmail.com
Good luck! x

Johanna B said...

I know the fear from a different angle but fear is fear. Don't let ED win !!!! Work your program, you know what you need to do. Don't worry about tomorrow. Think about 5 minutes at a time if you have to. Just do the next right thing and you will grow back to health. You're in my thoughts.

marysizzle said...

Don't let the fear take over, fight it. And because you are pressed for time, pack lunch the night before and have breakfast ready to go for the next day. I hope you get control of this asap, best of luck to you!

Gracie said...

Hey sweetie
I was walking in the mall yesterday getting ready for my trip,I walked passed a young woman who was obviously having issues with her food too, my heart broke for her, she did not look well...Then I remembered a beautiful young girl who started following my kitchen blog who was dealing with ED. Christina,from BC:)That's why I am here, so happy to meet you.
I don't know much about not eating, but I do know about eating healthy. I am a 47 year old grandma and I am still slim,(little pot after having kids:)and maintain a healthy eating program.I run and cycle to stay fit.At my age it feels so good to be healthy and strong, to run around with my 3 year old grandson.Its all about how you feel.
Its a good idea to stay on top of your calories, writing them down may be what you need to do. Don't be too hard on your self, remember one day at a time, maybe even one meal at a time. Try having one of those calorie drinks, like Boost or Ensure with your meals at work,I work in a hospital, when ever one of our pt.s need more calories,that's what we give them.
25 minutes is not enough time for a meal to be eayen and digested, can you have a talk with your boss and have it extended to a more reasonable length of time?

Iam happy to follow you...I fly to Europe tomorrow for 2 weeks. I will see how your doing when I get back.
PS: I also am a mom of three grown kids, my daughter who has weight troubles too, only the opposite end of the spectrum, and two sons.
When my oldest lived on his own he too lost allot of weight due to stress, he didn't feel like eating either.So... being the mom that I am, I brought him those Ensures every day...very motherly I know, Iknow :)His weight is back normal and he is back home too..ready to move out once again,with a better understanding about food,its not you enemy,its there,by the grace of God, to keep you alive! That girl I saw in the mall,God help her, but I don't think she will be with us much longer. I wish I could some how have helped her...but you cant just walk up to some one.
Your mom would want you back home not to control you, but because she loves you and you probably are very important to her.That's just what moms do...you'll know one day.
Hey I don't even know you, and you are important to me.
Thats enough from this "old gamma" Many hugs
Gracie,from Manitoba

Syl said...

Sorry to hear you are having a rough patch. I can't offer you any advice because I have no idea what you are going through.
I hope you can find the tools you need to get back to where you want to be.
we are all routing for you.

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